Fear As a Control Tool.

There have been a number of times where I have mentioned or eluded to past abuse in my first marriage. I hestitate to write this post because I am wary of just how much I ought to share for the world to see. At the same time, keeping quiet about it makes me feel like I should be ashamed over things that my ex tells me are my fault, but I know good and well are not. I am so sick of his threats to me. I am tired of the constant struggle to stand up for myself or to give in, just to keep the peace. If I stand up for myself, I am treated to a barrage of verbal abuse and threats of him quitting his job, of him not paying child support. If I keep my mouth shut, then I feel like I stoop to being less than I am, like I allow him to manipulate me into silence just so I don't have to listen to him berate me.

I don't have a lot of traffic with him anymore, which is just fine. We only have one kid who is still a minor and because he also works out of state, I really don't have to put up with his presence much  outside of large events, like graduation and our daughter's wedding last year....and issues with child support, like last month when he quit his job and couldn't be bothered to let me know I'd go  a month between support payments and I really needed to KNOW what was going on.

I try to contact him as little as possible because whenever I do, the communication usually deteriorates to the point of where he calls me names, threatens to tell all my friends what a horrible person I am (which makes me roll my eyes now) and threatens to never pay me another dime. There is also the underlying threat of his actually, physically attacking me. He's done it many times before, so I don't tell myself he would never do it to me again. I know what he is capable of and what he's done before. Understand that in the past, the ex has sent me to the emergency room. He's threatened to kill me. There's reason for my fear. Every time we have a confrontation, I call one of two town cops who has had a front row seat to the numerous episodes of abuse with him. I let them know that the ex is on the rampage again and they step up for a few days keeping an eye on things.

The ex owns a metal fabrication and sign business. Yesterday, while two of our daughters were at his place, he called me up and wanted to know if I would deliver a sign to Wyoming since I am taking Gracie down later this week. Because the girls were with him, I said I would because I didn't want them to be subjected to his foul mood if I said no. And he knew that, which is why he asked me. I also knew I would tell him to deal with the delivery himself, once the girls were safely home.

I met him outside on the front stoop when he brought the girls home because I don't want him in my house.
(I hate that they visit him, which now is thankfully few and far between, but I always worry.) I don't know why he thinks I want to do him favors when he calls me a 'fat bitch' and demands that I show some humility when I insist child support is not optional. When my dog, Lazarus, got out during the confrontation and that traitor ( Laz) went up to the ex and allowed the ex to pet him, the ex, in his smug and self -serving attitude, had the audacity to say to me, "Your dog likes me, I don't know why you don't." When I refused to deliver the sign, reminding him that delivery issues were HIS problem and that I didn't own a delivery service, he became enraged. He threatend that he would get me back and that I would never get another dime from him ever again. He yelled and threatened me so much that Rick was compelled to quietly wear his side arm while he stood a bit behind me and made sure I was going to be all right. I knew he was there and I knew he was armed and I did my best to not escalate things to the point of where he was going to have to use it. The last thing we needed was the ex's dead carcass on our lawn and everything surrounding that.

Asserting my own autonomy from the ex ALWAYS ends in threats. Even now, 10 years after we split up, he uses whatever he has at his disposal to try and control me and my actions. He has always blamed me for the way he acts because in his mind, I MAKE him act that way since I refuse to cooperate. When we were married, he would tell me he hit me because I refused to "submit" to his "authority." And, the kids are always dragged into it. That's the other thing. If I don't tow the line, one of them invariably gets a barrage of venting via texting from him.

I wish I could assert enough autonomy to not need the support....at the same time, I refuse to release him from it because it would simply release him from what he is required by law to do. In turn, he never had to worry about our kids running loose, or never going to school, or being abandoned or neglected or unloved by me. He sure as hell could pretty much bet he would never be stuck with raising them, which, to say the least,  he really wasn't cut out for. If child support is a favor to me, then my raising our kids to be decent people was a favor to him and I owe him nothing beyond that.

So now, I get to sit here and see what punishment will be meted out to me. I get to worry about whether or not I will be able to pay the power bill because I dared to defy his plans and made things difficult for him. I'll stew about what I could do to make extra income in spite of this crappy economy and the fact that if I do find a job, I'll be paying $600 a month minimum for childcare alone...which pretty much defeats the purpose.

And, under it all, there is a part of me that just cannot accept that he will never have an epiphany and all of a sudden, 'get it.' The man is nearly 57 years old and has yet to understand that his behavior, which he alone is responsible for, has consequences beyond everyone just being out to get him. Somewhere, something in his psyche failed to register key maturity milestones that he will never have. It's as though he reached a certain point in that area and cannot grow beyond it. I think that is why at 19 when I married him, (he is 12 years older than me) he was enough for me....and when I got older and wiser, that part of my brain surpassed his....and the relationship for me was never fulfilling beyond that point and part of the reason the abuse escalated. That and my refusal to be a meek and, his interpretation of being, a Biblically submissive wife.

A person can go crazy thinking about it. I wish I could turn it off. I wish I could just shrug it off and not think another moment about it. If I could, then I think I would really be free from his ever extending arm of control. I keep working on it, but it's a frustrating process. It's frustrating that fear continues to be a key factor here and tempts me into being less than I am.

EDITOR'S NOTE

Well, what do you know? Things always do have a way of being okay. Shortly after I wrote this post, I saw an ad for a seamstress to do seamstress work at a local bridal shop. They need one like yesterday and asked for applicants to CALL them with their info. So I did. I explained my experience ( which is pretty extensive) and that I have been sewing since I was 8 years old. The person on the phone was immediately interested and asked me to come in for an interview.

Thing is that it will be 5 days a week, with one of those days being Saturday, which I think we can manage without having to put the kiddos in daycare if we spell each other off between Rick, Beth, Tess and I.

This could lead to custom jobs that I can do from home. So, wish me luck.

Guest Blogger Memorial Day Reflections

My long-time friend, Doug Standley Jr., wrote this on his Facebook page in reflection of Memorial Day. I asked him if I could share it here on my blog and he graciously consented. I remember Einer and Frida and their generous souls and so it's is with pleasure that I pass this along.

When I was young, our closest neighbors were an old Danish couple named Einer and Frida. They were wonderful people, kind and generous. They lived a simple existence, and always welcomed us into their home, and would not let us leave without having a bowl of ice cream any time of day. Not that they had to twist the Standley kids' arms.... As a teen, I remember helping Einer with work around the house and yard. He was over 6 feet tall, and progressively more hunched from years of hard work.

We helped Einer and Frida celebrate their 50th Anniversary, and heard a wonderful tale of coming to America. Einer had been in the Queen's Guard in Denmark, and Frida was a nurse. Seeking opportunity, Einer had left his fiance' (and a job as a Queen's Guard, which I would think would be a decent occupation) and come to United States. He then worked on dairies in Canada and Montana until he had earned enough money to bring Frida over to join him. Eventually, he had his own dairy operation. Stories tell of Einer coming in from the milk barn with one full milk pail on each finger. Strong will, strong work! This journey was all fueled by the hope and opportunity represented in the United States for someone who worked hard.

Einer lived to be nearly 90. At Einer's funeral, they draped his casket with a large American Flag. And they closed his service with Lee Greenwood's "Proud to be American". For the first time, it really struck me how incredibly fortunate we are to have been born in this country. As kids, we take for granted that we have enough to eat, and can grow up to do any job that we aspire to. So much of the world aspires to live like we do, and generation after generation of folks from other lands give up their homeland and lives to come to America and seek the dream inherent in that move. America!

Not a day goes by that I do not reflect upon the blessings granted me by God, and by my ancestors. Being brought up in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave is not something I take for granted. And every day when I contemplate that, I say a prayer for those who have fought to keep our country free. Families I don't even know have given so much for each of us to have opportunities to live as we wish. That sacrifice can not be taken for granted.

So on Memorial Day, I'd like to publicly thank all of those who have served in our Military, both past and present. Thanks, too, to the families who have adapted and persevered in support of the honorable sacrifice that service represents. To those who gave all, and to those who were prepared to do just that on our behalf, I salute you.

Einer moved to America because it was a country full of opportunity for him and the family that he intended to build. I like to think I'd have done the same thing.

Gracie Graduates

Memorial weekend has, for the most part, traditionally been graduation week for our small town and this weekend is no exception. A few times, the administration at the school dabbled on other weekends, but have always come back to this one, along with other area schools having their commencement exercises this day as well, with towns arranging schedules so that no two schools have their ceremonies at the same time during the day.

This year, it was Gracie's turn to walk across the stage and receive her diploma. That's her on the left. She won a few scholarships earlier this week and will go on for Elementary Education degree. She plans to attend a small state college known for it's teaching program and where her older sister, Sarah,  graduated from last year. She's also had her great great grandma, her great grandma and a number of aunts and uncles attend there as well. My own mother also got a teaching degree, but it was from a different school. When Sarah attended, she worked in the registrar's office and was surprised to run across a letter that my great grandmother wrote to the dean in the 1950's or so. 

On Thursday, she will start a summer job in the Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming. Then, in August, will move to attend school.

My fourth child is leaving the nest. Sigh. I'm happy for her. I joke that I'm kickin' another one to the curb, but I will miss her terribly. It will seem so strange to not have her everyday....I just don't quite know how to grasp the idea of it. 

In other news.....

Pay no attention to my disorderly kitchen. Trust me, it's actually not too bad in this picture for cleanliness....it's just a horrid, cramped space that we refer to as the "No-more-than-3-butt-kitchen." What it lacks in space, it does make up for in efficiency....in that everything is pretty much within reaching distance; at least, that's what I keep telling myself. Anyway, last night, I was up making cookies for a small gathering here at the house after graduation. The only time I make these kinds of cookies are for special occasions, but I really should do them more often because it's just so easy to crank out these delicate little dainties.

I forgot, however, that they always bake better for me if I use my convection setting on my oven. I forgot to set it on the first batch last night and was rewarded with the results of below for forgetting. 'Bout broke my heart to toss those cookies. Fortunately, it was the only pan I burnt, even though it was two racks above the bottom, but that didn't save my bacon. 

I also managed to get a few jars of apricot/pineapple jam made as well. I had several apricots that were probably not going to wait another day, so I just got that done as well. My sister in law had some that were going quick as well, and just gave me enough of hers for two more batches, which is perfect, since I have two more pineapples to get used up.

Oh my goodness.....if you have not tried apricot/pineapple jam, you really should. It's easy to make and delicious. It would make a very nice Christmas present for someone. I bought frozen buttermilk biscuits for breakfast tomorrow, (and my culinary biscuit making skill are somewhat lacking, :-/ ) specifically to use some of this jam. It's just a really good flavor combination.

It's been a long week, it seems, full of feelings that I am not quite sure how to grasp. My family is changing so much, it's a wonder how I can keep up with it. I'm doing my best to embrace and welcome the changes, but it's clear time is passing ever so quickly. 

That said.....to my Gracie. Good Luck. I love you.

My own reflections:

Record High

As of yesterday, this blog has broken the all time high record number of viewers in a month.

It always tickles me when that happens!

Thanks for reading! 

One Reason I Am Cynical About Teachers.....

We live in a fairly small town of about 700 people, give or take a few dozen at any time. We have a fairly small school and this year, the senior class numbers 27 students. Gracie is one of those seniors.

Tonight was the annual class night awards ceremony where seniors are awarded scholarships and other prizes for their accomplishments throughout their school years and a few other students are also awarded and recognized for their accomplishments. 

There are also a few awards presented to certain teachers, the main one being Teacher of The Year. 

Now, normally this is a deserving teacher who has worked hard with the students and put in many hours of their time beyond the classroom. 

That's as it should be. 

This year's recipient, however, is probably the most undeserving of the award that I can think of. While his 4th grade class consistently scores high on their annual achievement tests ( or whatever the hell they're called nowadays) I just can't get past the fact that while he was coaching a junior high girl's basketball team, at a different grade school which was in the high school district, he called all the girls "little bitches" as one of the parents happened to walk into the gymnasium and hear him say it. 

Little girls, the ages of 11, 12 and 13 were called little bitches by this guy who today received the Teacher Of The Year Award. 

As I understand it, there was no disciplinary action taken, despite the parent's complaint to the school board of that school. 

He got a standing ovation. I refused to applaud or stand for that low life scum. 

When people ask me why I am homeschooling in a few years, I'll be sure to use this as an example. 

Five Days of Appreciation

Yesterday, my cousin Celeste posed a question on Facebook about what would be appropriate for her to give her daughter's teacher for each of the 5 days of what I assume was "Teacher Appreciation Week."

I exclaimed, "Five DAYS of "appreciation"????? Are you kidding? I would consider bennies and a paycheck plenty of appreciation! I would consider having a JOB anywhere in California, appreciation!" Then I told her a note and card expressing her thanks for the teacher's efforts, was certainly enough and anything that was expected beyond that was way out of line.

Then she asked if 5 days of appreciation was "industry standard" and that she didn't know because her daughter is in kindergarten and Celeste had no previous experience as a mother of a school aged child.

I just reminded her that she lives in Kalifornia, which meant that her state has a very high population of people who think they are entitled to more than what a paycheck provides, INCLUDING benefits. (Hey Californians, that's how the majority of you vote and why you have one of the highest tax rates in the country when you count property and sales taxes, plus the regulation nightmare anyone who wants to start or maintain a business has to face and endure.)

Then, another cousin piped up, who just happens to be a teacher herself, employed here in Montana, and said that, yes, it WAS industry standard. She then proceeded to suggest that a good idea would be to leave some trays of food in the teacher's lounge or to give things that were consumable because teacher's get a lot of "crap" in the way of gifts.

Where to begin?

Now, I have had kids in school since 1993 and I don't ever remember a teacher appreciation week...ever. Perhaps I have subconsciously  ignored it all these years because I refuse to basically genuflect to anyone for doing their JOB! And now, as I am perusing Google images for an Appreciation Banner, I see that you can get custom made ones for Teacher Appreciation Week. I must have been living under a rock to not have protested this idea before now.

Look, there is no question that good teachers are vital to our societal fabric, but so are artists and farmers and nursing home cafeteria workers and flight attendants and janitors and garbage picker-uppers et al, ad nauseum. Some of the aforementioned I would say are probably MORE important than teachers, yet I don't see THEM getting 5 days of appreciation from a grateful public. Take the garbage collector, for instance. I know I would be bitching about them going on strike and be MUCH more inclined to give them whatever they want, than the jock football coach who should have put "Atomic Wedgie Expert" on his resume'.

I wonder, if I put a big stinkin' banner over my front door which announced "Daycare Provider Appreciation Week"  how many of my clients would take me seriously, especially if I were to let them know at the end of the previous week that leaving me food or consumable goods every day is perfectly acceptable since I just don't want any other "crap." I'm self employed and no one is going to do it for me, so I would just have to assert my importance and do it myself, I guess.

The idea actually nauseates me, because quite frankly, I'm happy if they pay me on time. I really am not seeking approval or 'appreciation.' Don't get me wrong, a sincere note of thanks goes a long, long way for me, but that isn't what motivates me....the almighty buck motivates me.

I am happy to write a note of thanks for the teacher who spent their personal time helping my kid pass Algebra or the school counselor who bends over backwards to find the best opportunities for graduating students . I usually give a good teacher a small gift of homemade jam or jelly at Christmas because I do know that consumables are nice and there are only so many mismatching coffee mugs one can actually use. And I DO appreciate their efforts.

But that's MY choice as well as the timing. I actually resent the idea of a whole week at the end of the school year, that basically tells me, "We put up with your brats for the last nine months and by golly, we want THANKS, because by the time the summer ends, you'll be BEGGING for them to come back."

And as long as we are "appreciating" why is it that MOTHERS only get one measly DAY for appreciation? Huh? How about Teacher's Appreciation Week morph into THEM giving PARENTS thanks for having kids  so they can have a job in the first place?  I think that's a GREAT idea because I need some appreciation for sending my kids into your tutelage for 9 months out of the year.

A Bucket O' Margarita and the tequila to add to it, would be a good place to start. 

Back Away From The Ice Cream Stand

In today's news of the absurd, we find an article reporting the news that an ice cream stand was shut down and then guarded by armed environmental police.

Yes....an ice cream stand had to be guarded by armed environmental police.

It wasn't because the ice cream stand was pumping out enviro toxins into the surrounding habitat....it was because the manager failed to get the proper state and local permits to make improvements on the joint.

Apparently, it wasn't enough to just slap a padlock on each of the doors and post signs which gave an explanation of some sort.

Nope. It appears people in those parts take their ice cream consumption seriously enough to be a real environmental danger.

Armed Environmental Police Shut Down And Guard Ice Cream Stand Over Building Permits

Ice cream Spot Hits Rocky Road

Now, I understand the need to ensure the public safety. God knows, I don't want to be minding my business, eating my ice cream and have the roof of the place cave in on me. And I sure don't want to work in a place where I might risk becoming engulfed in frozen ice cream and dying of hypothermia.

However, aren't armed environmental police a bit of an overkill? Surely, there are other rent-a-cops who are just as effective and cost the taxpayers less and can free up our enviro thugs to do protect us against other environmentally dangerous things, like rouge Amish dairy farms that sell gallons upon gallons of raw milk across state lines without government oversight.

And I dunno, I realize this is a state park, but you would think that anyone running for reelection of anything would do everything they could to avoid the appearance of killing job opportunity.  As it is, 13 college and high school students have had to give up their ice cream scoops for an indefinite period of time.

Perhaps the goal here to teach the young early how to apply for 99 weeks of unemployment benefits.